When I was your man
by shamelessllamapeanutthing
Summary: If Kai was asked how much he loved Ray, he won't hesitate once before saying that he loved him more than life. If Ray was asked how much Kai loved him, he would smile a little and tell you, "Not nearly enough."
1. Chapter 1

(AN: **'memories, past recollections'**

"speech, (in present)"

_'__song lyrics' _

A part of this oneshot is basically a whole lot of song lyrics and past memories being recalled in present time, kinda like a flashback but not quite. See it this way, that as the song starts to play Kai recalls things that have happened previously. These flashbacks are not in chronological order. They are disjointed memories that the lyrics bring up. I will demarcate that portion of the story with an *)

**The tournament was over. The Great Lord of Darkness was done with. The team was taking time off to relax and visit friends and family before they started preparing for the next one. Everyone seemed happy and content except for a certain neko-jin who had recently come out of the closet and broken up with his long time girlfriend back home. **

**Needless to say, that hadn't been received well by her friends, who had doubled as his till a few days ago. They had ratted him out to the village elders and… the crux of the matter was that he had been disowned. **

**So, he roamed around the dojo, depressed and silent till even the three stooges (Tyson, Max and Daichi) noticed there was something wrong with him and consequently forced him to spill the beans to them. Apparently, he was planning to accompany Hiro (who looked way too happy about the arrangements for it to be considered decent) to the next beyblading team he was placed to train till the BladeBreakers had to start themselves, so as to not intrude on Tyson and his grandfather. **

**Not if his captain had anything to say about it. **

**One afternoon found the two basking in the sunlight on the back porch of the dojo when Kai sought to make his proposal. **

**"****Won't it be awkward, being present during training sessions of another team that you can possibly expect to battle in the finals with your own?" **

**Ray chuckled. "It probably will be. I don't think I will be very welcome there but I don't have too many options, do I?" **

**Kai turned to look at him, to find golden eyes already trained on him. "You can come stay with me." **

**"****At your place?" **

**"****Generally speaking, that's what the sentence is taken to imply." **

**Ray grinned sheepishly, a fang popping over his lower lip. Kai loved that particular grin, and that particular fang, and that particular pair of lips. He shook himself as Ray started talking. **

**"****Kai, that's so nice of you but-"**

**"****What? Are you more comfortable living with Hiro amongst a bunch of complete strangers?" There was a decided bite to his tone which made Ray raise an incredulous brow. He didn't trust himself with attempting damage control when Ray looked so positively ****_fuckable_**** just then. **

**"****No! I would rather stay with you, of course! It's just, it was so sweet of Hiro to offer when I had literally nothing coming up and I already said yes, I-"**

**_'_****_So the bastard offered.' _****Kai got to his feet. "Never mind that. I will take care of him." He turned and left, Ray spluttering in confusion behind him.**

**—**

Kai raised his glass to take another sip of his drink, only to find the whiskey still gone, frustrated at himself for having made the same mistake for the third time now. He desperately needed another drink but moving to get it would mean taking his eyes off the couple dancing happily in his direct line of sight. Before that night, he had never realised what a masochist he truly was.

His heart beat felt laboured and his hands itched to curl into fists and pound through something, _anything,_ but the rest of his body had settled in such an overwhelmingly lethargic state that he wondered how he remembered to breathe. He felt resigned, resigned and yet bitter to his circumstances just then, already having directed every cuss word his mind could recall at himself. Bryan Adams was cooing about how his first love was still the love of his life in _'Please Forgive Me'_ and those two _bastards_ were looking at each other with such affection in their eyes that he wanted to gouge their eyes out, because it wasn't the truth, was it?

Hiro wasn't Ray's first love, _he _was, even if he had damaged everything beyond repair, the title was still his and he hated that it was just one of the many things the older Granger brother had snatched from him.

Tyson and Max were trying to dance a few paces away from the first sickening couple, key word being 'trying'. Tyson had abandoned Hilary in favour of his best friend almost as soon as the dancing commenced and the hyper blonde hadn't even bothered to glance back at Mariam the moment he spotted the human garbage disposal in this weird, unnecessary _reunion_ of the best of the beyblading world. Kai often wondered if the two were still just as naive as they had been back then, if they could still not see how smitten they were with each other, or if they had just settled into their married lives with the sort of ease which makes even the best of changes seem like monumental disasters.

Well if their wives noticed their husbands' wandering constancies, they never commented. The two were chatting together, swinging to the music, out of beat and content. Mariam seemed to be a lot more careful on her feet than she ever was before, probably because of the pregnancy. Max, the designated child of their team, was well off to become a father. First out of all five of them, and it never ceased to amuse his ex-captain.

Well, Ray and Hiro had filed the paperwork for the adoption of their first child together a few months before Max had announced Mariam was pregnant but the process was being held up like it was expected to be so Kai wasn't too sure who was to be called first. It definitely wasn't him though. Fortunately or unfortunately, in his case, his first love was still his only love. Years after Ray had left, and he still hadn't done any of the 'moving on' Tala kept pestering him with.

The song ended and whoever was in control of the music system must have really hated him because the song played next was Queen's _'Love of my Life' _and his favourite eyes on any human ever, rose up to meet his.

Ray gulped visibly and gave him a watery smile. Before Kai could return the gesture, he had hidden his face in the crook of Hiro's neck and the man had turned so that all Kai could see now was his back, not the smaller man folded so close into his chest that it made Kai's own burst with pain.

Ray remembered, he remembered just as well as Kai did and it only made him hurt more.

**"****I love you. I love you. I love you, Ray. I am sorry. Do you hear me? I am sorry!"**

No matter how many times he had said it while Ray remained framed in their doorway, bags packed and ready, it couldn't change the fact that he hadn't said it nearly enough times when he still had the chance to prevent this from happening. They had both cried that night, Kai probably more than he had in all his years combined but it couldn't change his mate's mind as it rightfully shouldn't have.

As the memories hit him again, Kai closed his eyes against the onslaught. He tore himself from his table and walked over to the bar.

He ordered a refill and scoured out where the DJ was placed as he waited for his drink to arrive. Once he spotted it, and his glass was in his hand, he made his way straight over. It was about time they played a song he could relate to.

Once he was done placing his request, he downed the remainder of his whiskey and walked over to where Ray was still swaying on the dance floor, wrapped up in his lover's arms. Grabbing onto his shoulder, he tugged him around to face himself. Ray looked startled as for the second time that night, vibrant golden clash with equally bright red.

_'__Please bring it back home to me, because you don't know what it means to me…' _

"I will have the next dance."

Hiro opened his mouth to protest, but Ray silenced him with a hand to his bicep. The familiarity of the gesture stung Kai as he recalled how many times, during numerous arguments Ray would place his hands on Kai's arms and he would just ignore Ray's silent requests for him to stop and continue piling on insults nevertheless. Hiro, apparently, paid attention to every little gesture the raven-haired beauty made, and heeded all his wishes, like Kai should have.

"Sure." Ray nodded, hesitant fiddling with his shirt sleeve belying the confident actions.

As the classic piece that had once been both their favourite, hit its ending notes, Ray gracefully moved away from Hiro and into Kai's waiting arms. As soon as they came in contact, both of their eyes widened. Ray's lips parted but he said nothing as the Russian's requested song started to play.

The starting notes introduced the song to the neko-jin and the sudden jolt that ran through his body made it clear to Kai that he'd rather be anywhere other than here, dancing to this particular song with him.

"Ray."

"Kai, what the fuck? Why now?"

"Ray calm down and look up at me."

The shorter (only by two inches!, as Ray never forgot to remind him) boy took a deep breath and finally gazed up at the face of his first love, his first kiss, his first time, his first everything and Kai felt the precise moment in which he forced his body to relax. Kai started to swing to the beat and Ray followed his lead with ease, movements fluid and smooth. The older man smiled.

"I don't want my last memory of you to be… what it is. Just let me, Ray."

**He had been watching the pretty neko for about half an hour now, curled up against Kai's body, head on his bicep, Ray's naked chest rose and fell with shallow exhalations. With every breath he blew his bangs about a quarter of an inch off his face and Kai couldn't help reaching across and tucking the stray strands behind his pointed ear. **

**As he slowly woke up, Ray curled on himself moving away from Kai and straightened, lazily blinking awake. Kai watched, fascinated by the near feline movements of his partner, the way his back arched, the way he used the back of his fist to rub his cheekbone before yawning deep and sharp just like a cat. He sat up and looked about himself. **

**It took him a moment to recall their actions from the night before. **

**Even after Ray had shifted into his house, Kai making clear it was a permanent arrangement and the Chinese teen barely protesting, the captain knew and in fact expected that nothing would change. They had assumed an easy system of co-existence in which neither dared cross the clearly drawn boundaries of two friends 'shacking together'.**

**Except for the night before, when Kai had stumbled in drunk and the water in Ray's shower had run out so he had asked to use the Russian's. He should have known that in his inebriated state he wouldn't be able to stand the sight of his long time crush fresh out of the shower in his very own room. It was not even like Ray was standing in just a towel or any of those cliche situations. He had dressed himself, but his hair was down and his cheeks pinked. He had that toothy, grateful grin in place, which showcased all his teeth, and his ****_fangs _****and Kai couldn't breathe. **

**Before he knew, he had Ray pressed against the wall, lips mashed together in careless excitement. Contrary to expectation, instead of being pushed away he felt fingers threading through his slate hair, tugging him that much closer. Something uncurled in his stomach. He took hold of Ray's hips and lifted his legs to wrap around his own waist, their groins flush, as Kai crowded the trembling neko-jin against the wall, barely keeping from rutting against him like a mad dog in heat. **

**They had ended up losing their virginities to one another. The experience was awkward and painful but both got to feel the other filling them up in the most intimate of ways. Kai wouldn't trade the night for the world but Ray's subsequent words made him realise he could have done this better. **

**"****You are still here." There was no hint of malice in Ray's voice, but he sure sounded surprised and Kai felt his chest clench to think he had given his beloved any reason to believe he would be gone the moment he got what he wanted, that he didn't care in any other way. **

**"****Of course Ray." He tried smiling and Ray's eyes widened a little more before he blushed and shyly shifted closer to the Russian boy. Kai wrapped his arm around the neko's hips and tugged him closer so that he fell onto his chest and their nipples brushed, Ray's metal piercing cold against his skin. "Mhm, deja vu." **

**Red exploded across the bridge of that tanned nose and as a result Kai found himself straddled by an annoyed looking Ray. **

**"****Hey, kitten." He grinned. **

**"****You know that's actually a thing back home? Like when two people are in love, the man or more precisely the dominant calls his partner kitten or tiger or neko or…" At that precise moment, the anger that had momentarily vanished, giving way to excitement was again replaced by apprehension.**

**He bit his lower lip. "I am sorry Kai, I didn't mean to imply that you…" he trailed off, unsure of what to say only to find himself flipped to be placed underneath his Russian partner.**

**"****I know I could have done this better baby but this was not a drunken one-night stand to me. I… I am sorry, I know conventionally this is not the right sequence of things but, just let me… just let me love you, Ray." **

**Golden eyes brimmed with tears and happiness and affection and Kai leaned down to kiss his precious, precious lover. **

_'__Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now…' _

**They had returned after an exhausting day out, training and then a quickie in the abandoned training hall while the others ate. They hadn't told anyone anything about their relationship and that was okay. It became all the more precious, the longer it was kept a secret and it enthralled the both of them. Secret glances that nobody else noticed, or knew how to interpret. The times Ray would get all shy and flustered over a seemingly innocent lowering of Kai's voice, because only he knew the promises it held. Or that one time Max jumped out from behind a door and scared the shit out of Ray, making him cling to Kai for dear life and the Russian just couldn't hold back, dragging him out of the dojo a moment later to satisfy the more urgent of their cravings. **

**Cute as it was, it tired them out to constantly be walking on eggshells around their teammates. Kai wasn't ready to tell them anything though, and Ray could tell. **

**So the Neko quietly collapsed on to their huge, ****_huge_**** bed. He sighed in contentment, curling underneath the sheets already. **

**"****I will marry your bed, I think." He told Kai when the Russian moved to lay beside his boyfriend. **

**"****What will happen to me then?" He quirked a brow, choosing to humour his partner. **

**"****Find a new one." Ray grinned lazily, eyes still closed. The maroon of the sheets contrasted beautifully with his skin and he grabbed a pillow from against the headboard before proceeding to cuddle it. **

**"****Bed or boyfriend?" **

**"****Logically speaking," Ray looked him dead in the eyes. "Both." **

_'__Our song on the radio but it don't sound the same…' _

**It was Ray who got him into the world of Queen and the band's amazing music. A few months later and Ray was the only person to whom he would reluctantly admit that not only was his current favourite song by the band, but also that he was completely and thoroughly obsessed with them. **

**As '****_Love of my Life_****' played on the jukebox of this dingy cafe they had come into all because the neko was desperately craving a burger just then, and Ray turned to him with an expectant smile, starting to sing along to the heartbreaking lyrics, he realised how much he cherished every moment of his days spent with him. **

**Suddenly, a hand took his as Ray gazed deep into his eyes still singing along to the song they both had come to adore, almost as if pouring his heart out and telling Kai how he would be completely destroyed if the Russian ever decided to leave. There was a solemnity to his eyes Kai had never seen before, almost transcending to fear as the lyrics lead his mind to wonder what life without Kai would be like and he silently begged his boyfriend to never let him find out. **

**Kai knew he should have gripped his hand tighter and assured him that he would never leave. He should have thrown in a kiss for good measure. He knew that ****_now_**** though, back then the number of people around had made him retract his hand so quickly that it left Ray floundering for a second before the expression in those eyes visibly dulled. **

_'__When our friends talk about you, all it does is just tear me down…' _

**The rest of the BladeBreakers never did find out the truth about the older two. Ray never told because Kai never let him, and after the split Kai saw no reason Ray would have wanted to talk about it. Even though once Ray had walked out Kai had an urgent need to scream it out to the world that he was Ray's first love, as Ray was his. They were each other's except they weren't anymore. **

**So Kai had to listen to all the unwanted details about Ray's whirlwind romance with Tyson's older brother. He had to listen when Tyson and Max openly wondered why Ray burst out crying one evening only to have Hiro rush and wrap his arms around the neko. He had to listen when Daichi explained how he had caught Ray laughing, openly laughing for the first time in two months after their break up and it was because Hiro had gotten sick of him looking so down and straight up started tickling him. He had to listen when Hilary first commented on how cute a couple they would make and Tyson finally clocked on to the realisation that his brother had a thing for Ray. **

**He had to listen when Kenny reported how he had heard Hiro ask Ray out on a date, down on one knee with flowers under the starlit sky and how Ray had chewed on his lower lip before smiling and saying yes, because that was how you asked someone out. You did not, under any circumstances, drunk fuck them and leave them for the entire night to think they had meant nothing more than a one night stand, disposable and random. **

**He had to listen to Hiro himself announce their relationship at the next blading convention because he ****_could_****. Kai could swear the little shit looked challengingly, threateningly at him before grabbing on to Ray's waist and kissing his forehead in front of the entire crowd that went downright bonkers because that was what you did when you truly loved someone. You made them feel special by showing to them how proud you were to call them your own. You didn't hide them away, and make them feel like a soiled, dirty little secret. **

**That also made him realise exactly what Ray meant when he begged him to tell their friends at least because he couldn't bear how whenever, the Russian was out of ear shot, everyone started discussing Hilary's little crush on him and strategies to get them together. He realised exactly what Ray meant when he said that made him feel small and inconsequential. **

**… ****and he was ****_so, so _****sorry. **

_' '__Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name…'_

**They were all at Starbucks together because Kenny was craving coffee. Ray had ordered a drink for himself, mostly because Kenny felt conscious about going up to the till all on his own. Kai felt pride bubble in his chest at this reminder of Ray's generosity and kindness before he caught sight of Hiro distinctly murmuring something about rewards into Ray's hair, making the raven-haired beauty chuckle. **

**As his ex-lover's name was called out for him to go and collect his drink, he watched from his seat how Hiro kissed his cheek and got up to fetch the drink himself. It was such a simple, innocent, mindless gesture on the part of the Granger brother but it made Ray smile so wide, and Kai hurt so much because it stung him how much he had ****_not_**** done for Ray because he was too afraid of people knowing. **

_'__It all just sounds like ooh ooh ooh ooh ooooh…' _

**Voltaire was still out there, still his legal guardian, and Kai was frankly afraid of what the homophobic asshole might do to him or Ray if he ever found out. His concern for not letting their relationship become public knowledge was legitimate, what was wrong was how his stupid pride just won't let him admit it to Ray that beyond a point, he was incapable of protecting the Chinese teen and that his grandfather, simply by existing still controlled a major part of his life. **

**So he said something that he didn't then realise could be so hurtful. He knew for sure, it would shut Ray up though. He had failed to consider his boyfriend wasn't like him. He cared too much about what the world thought about him. He couldn't brush away everyone's opinions like dirt, the way Kai did. He forgot how insecure he could be and how much something like this would break him. **

**"****Look Ray, you just won't look good next to me okay? You don't suit the image I have worked so long to build. So let it be. How does it matter who knows or who doesn't?"**

**Ray looked stunned, but his eyes lowered to the ground, he simply nodded. He didn't bring the subject up again. **

**That was the first night ever that Ray shied away from his touch. **

_'__Too young too dumb to realise…' _

**The meetings were piling up, the closer he came to eighteen. He had to officially lead the Hiwatari Enterprises in about two months' time and there was a lot he needed to learn. What it was costing him, was time with his precious kitten. **

**He barely got to wish him 'good morning' or 'good night'. Weekends were spent arguing or with Ray acting a little off around him which ultimately led to night outs with Tala and Bryan where he would proceed to bitch about how he got none at all these days. His friends entertained his complaints with equally fervent ones in other departments, basically targeting Ray in every other way, which he would drunkenly nod to because what the hell, he was pissed and drunk and it was just Tala and Bryan. It was not like they would ever mention it to Ray. **

**He was so so wrong. **

**It had been a rainy night and the house cleaner had called in sick, so Ray being the diligent person he was, picked up the slack before the three Russians marched in late in the morning tracking the hall with mud that could have easily been removed if they had taken notice of the door mat. Needless to say, that pissed off the neko-jin who had, despite knowing Kai would not come home that night, remained sitting up on the sofa waiting for his boyfriend to come and take notice of him for a few blessed minutes before he crashed of exhaustion. **

**"****What the actual fuck?! What sort of disgusting slimy sewer did you three crawl out of?! To hell with that, why couldn't you just wipe your fucking shoes on the fucking doormat?!" **

**Kai had a hangover and Ray looked like the worst person just then. **

**"****Ray shut up. It's not like you will have to clean it." **

**"****Damn straight I will have to, just how I did it this morning and the last after Kyana called in sick yesterday! Which you would know if you spent a minute in this house yourself!" **

**"****Well at least you are making yourself useful in other ways, now that you are not playing Kai's active bitch anymore." Ray visibly recoiled when the words came out of Tala's mouth. **

**He shot one betrayed, disgusted look at Kai before turning to the redhead. "Just the opinion I would expect of a fucking machine." **

**Kai and Bryan exchanged a tense look, both aware that said topic was still a sore spot for Tala. Ray knew too, and he was looking to injure. Or be injured, given the way Tala lunged at him, almost grabbing his throat before the Chinese martial artist danced out of his reach and brought his own palm flat against the redhead's cheek. **

**It was purely instinct; Kai would swear later. Back in the abbey when they had to stick close to so much as survive, it was an unspoken rule that when one of the five was hurt, all retaliated. Apparently, Bryan had managed to bear in mind what his captain had said to the neko and how his actions were basically self-defence but Kai, drunk and furious, Ray's own boyfriend hadn't. **

**He grabbed Ray's arm, twisting him around to bring him face to face with himself, fist raised to punch the daylights out of him before wide, scared golden eyes brought him back to his senses. **

**Tala chuckled from the safety of Bryan's arms. "He agrees with me, you know." **

**Ray spun on his heels and left the house without his phone, jacket or anything else. **

_'__That I should have bought you flowers…' _

**Their car was parked outside a cute little flower shop as they waited for the driver to return with their coffees that they had ordered from the cafe next door. Ray was gazing spell bound at a huge bunch of beautiful velvety red roses displayed outside. **

**"****Buy me those, please." He smiled sweetly at Kai and it was the first time in an entire month that Ray had given him that particular smile. **

**Kai felt his spirits soar and he jokingly said, "What are you, my wife?" **

**It was just a little joke. He would have bought the roses for his baby of course. He was just trying to lighten the tension between them by reverting back to his usual sarcastic humour, but the moment Ray's face crumpled back into his little mask of hurt Kai realised what shitty timing this was, and how this was their first date together in three months, and how Ray rarely, if ever, asked for anything, and how he had smiled at Kai like that for the first time in an ****_entire month_****. **

**He quickly texted his driver to pick up the roses on his way back in but apparently that wasn't the right thing to do either because when the man returned with the bunch, Ray never even looked at it. **

_'__And held your hand…' _

**Hilary excitedly laced her arm through Kai's, blatantly hitting on him in a crowded mall at this point. He felt eyes digging in the back of his skull, Ray's, but they had fought that morning about how little time they spent together anymore and he had accused Ray of being a little too needy. Consequently he had refrained from so much as looking in Kai's direction the entire day and Kai was starting to feel a little petty. **

**He did not untangle his arm from hers and the eyes dropped away. Kai smirked. **

**When they finally reached the arcade a few paces ahead of everyone and turned around to wait for the rest of the gang, Kai realised Ray was not with them. He turned an inquisitive brow on Max. **

**"****Oh your roommate? He left just a minute ago, said his head was starting to burst with pain." **

**Kai gritted his teeth. **

_'__Should have gave you all my hours…' _

**Kai returned home that night exhausted and guilty. It was their anniversary and he had promised Ray they would go out and have dinner wherever the Chinese teen chose to, that they would dance to Ray's favourite songs and make love under the stars when they got back home. Kai had even remembered to have a huge bunch of red roses picked up. **

**A meeting had come up out of nowhere though, and it was too late to go out now. He was sure Ray would be furious. He wasn't going to get to take his beauty under the night sky and would have to deal with a very, very angry neko-jin. So he was surprised to find the dining hall lit up with candles almost burnt out, his favourite delicacies laid out on the table, wine glasses filled and a lonely Ray asleep in his seat. **

**His heart squeezed with love and guilt and he swore to make it up to the guy in the morning as he gently carried his dozing lover up to their room in his arms. **

**By the time sun rose and Ray woke up curled in their bed, Kai had left for work again. **

_'__When I had the chance…' _

**Ray looked slightly dejected. He had made reservations at his favourite Chinese restaurant to celebrate the first month of his relationship with Hiro who was always excited to try out whatever Ray bothered to say was something he liked. Apparently, he had forgotten over the week and set up a meeting with Mr. Dickenson and a few other board members for the exact same time and by the time Ray called him to ask him how much longer Hiro was gonna make him wait, the older man was already halfway to the compound across the city. **

**So Ray had smiled politely, even though his boyfriend couldn't see him over the phone and assured Hiro it was no big deal, that it was only one month, not like their anniversary or anything and that he wasn't mad and still loved him, before hanging up with a sigh. **

**That was about forty five minutes ago. Kai was still debating with himself what was the best way to approach the lonely neko right now without suffering any damage to his own person. This was back when Kai was still trying to win Ray back, when he still couldn't see how Hiro could ever make Ray happier than he did, when he was still an arrogant, blind fool. **

**The main door of the dojo swung open and in came Hiro carrying the biggest bunch of roses painted midnight blue, like the shirt Ray had put on, and a huge dorky smile on his face. He walked over to his surprised boyfriend and handed him the flowers with a flourish before telling him he was gonna change quickly and they could still make it in time. **

**Shocked, Ray grabbed his shirt sleeve. "What about your meeting, Hiro?" **

**The blue-haired man turned to fully face the younger neko before grabbing his elbow and pulling him to his feet. Hiro cupped Ray's face in his hands and placed the softest kiss he could against the plump, pliant lips before pulling back and staring dead into warm golden eyes. He brushed his thumb across Ray's lips and said, **

**"****Priorities." **

_'__Take you to every party cause all you ever wanted to do was dance…'_

**The club was packed and no way in hell was anyone going to recognise anyone here. **

**Kai could practically see desire rise in Ray's eyes as he took in sight all those couples dancing together on the dance floor, more than a few gay couples in the crowded bar. **

**"****Please Kai, just one dance." **

**Back when their relationship started, Kai would make a point of fulfilling every single one of Ray's wishes whether they were earnest or in jest. Now, it seemed like all Ray did was beg and all Kai could do was disappoint him. **

**He could never bring himself to look Ray in the eyes and say, "I am scared, I am scared he will do something to you, love. I am not ashamed of you. It would feel so good to scream my devotion to you from the top of the world but Ray I am just very scared. I can't lose you, I can't risk it." **

**So all he did was give Ray a stern glare and make his way over to the bar, waving him off in the direction of the dance floor almost as if ordering him to get lost and have his wishes fulfilled elsewhere, by any one of the random men who would surely be all too eager to feel him up. **

**That was the first time Kai lay in bed at night, pretending to be asleep and listening to Ray trying to muffle his sobs instead. It tore him to not be able to comfort the love of his life, but he didn't know how he could ever face him again. **

_'__Now my baby's dancing, but she's dancing with another man…' _

**It was an afterparty thrown to celebrate their fifth world victory and it brought about a stunning revelation. Hiro Granger couldn't dance. Yet, he made a fool of himself with a happy smile when he realised what it meant to Ray, who in turn ignored all the stepped-on toes and clumsy movements, carefully guiding his lover as to how and when to move, with a content smile and loving eyes. **

**Kai put his fist through the glass window of the washroom that night. **

_'__My pride, my ego, my needs and my selfish ways…' _

**BBA had just undertaken a project funded by the Hiwatari enterprises which required foreign collaboration. Being the young CEO of the company Kai had to accompany one of their overseas guests to the evening dinner and intimate her of the details regarding the entire exchange in a manner that would earn favourable support, given this particular woman was the richest amongst those present, incredibly important to the furthering of their goal and could land him a profit of millions. **

**He won't normally give up any of his rare hours with the neko-jin for anything but this was too good a deal for Kai to even attempt refusing and he clearly remembered Ray mentioning he had been invited by some of his friends to dinner and drinks that night, so the Russian obliged. **

**He hadn't bothered asking who these friends were or where they planned to go, hence he did not know how to react when he saw Ray lounging against the bar in a crisp white shirt, sleeves folded up to the elbows and the first few buttons undone, the picture of casual grace and playfulness with an arm around Max Tate's shoulders. Frankly, even if Mr. D had neglected to inform him his old team mates were going to be present he should have known. The BladeBreakers were the old man's trophies and he gave up no chance to display them with unmatched pride. **

**He tried to make sure when he went to meet Ray he did it alone, but the woman, whatever ****_the fuck_**** her name was, kept their arms laced together, eyelashes coquettishly fluttering and lips pouting, clearly hoping to gain more out of the evening than what was on the table, despite how standoffish Kai tried to act. He couldn't risk pissing her off though, so after having referred to his aching ankle as an excuse to avoid dancing for the third time when she was still no closer to giving up, Kai gave in. **

**Holding her felt like torture. His arms just couldn't find the right way around her trim frame, because she wasn't Ray. **

**… ****no, Ray was staring at them from across the room. **

**Fifteen minutes later, the Chinese joined the crowd on the dance floor with a partner of his own. A random man they had never met before, Kai noted with distaste. What really pissed him off was how Ray ground his butt against the older man's pelvis, touching him every fucking where and letting him return the favour. They danced a little too close, for a little too long and Kai could do nothing but glare the entire time. **

**So when the guests began departing and Ray let the rando drive him to ****_their_**** home, Kai saw red. **

**He sat in their room positively frothing at the mouth as he waited for his slut of a boyfriend to get back home. When he heard the door downstairs open, his hand clutched the bedsheets tighter. Ray's footsteps were heralded by a jaunty whistle that set Kai's blood boiling. He didn't know he could feel those levels of anger at all. **

**The first thing Ray said to him when he entered the room was, "Make sure you take off those shoes before falling asleep. I am not doing it for you." **

**Kai growled, actually growled. "You seem a little too happy tonight, Kon."**

**"****No thanks to you." He went about setting his keys and phone aside, before reaching to undo his shirt while simultaneously kicking off his shoes. The words, the nonchalance, the mindless stripping… **

**Kai slammed Ray against the wall. The same wall he had first kissed him against was going to be splattered with the Chinese teen's guts now. Ray struggled against him and Kai bit down on his exposed shoulder in a manner of responding. That stilled Ray. **

**"****Did him in good tonight, did you? In the back of his car at our doorstep? That would be desperate enough to turn you on, I suppose."**

**Kai was shoved off with such strength that the back of his knees collided with the bed frame, making him fall back, immediately turning the advantage of height in Ray's favour. His looked positively livid, eyes slits and fangs bared. **

**"****Where do you get off, you disgusting bitch?!" **

**"****Where do ****_I _****get off?! What the hell do you mean, where I get off when you were the one acting like a practicing whore tonight?!" **

**"****Why? What about my arm candy was so different than yours that it made me a practicing whore and you an affectionate lover?!" Ray practically seethed by the end of the question. "Was it the fact that the diamonds on his left hand alone couldn't buy my entire existence like your ****_Isabella's_**** could?! He would probably have to throw in his expensive, designer shoes as well but I think we could manage!"**

**Kai started to sit up but Ray just shoved him right back down. "Because I assumed that was all they were, Kai! Bloody arm candies for one bloody night that shouldn't realistically bother the men we are actually committed to, which happens to be ourselves, haha what a joke! Or were they more? Was your Isabella more to you than a nightly obligation?" His voice had dropped steadily and even when his sneer turned into a hurt smile Kai didn't try to sit up.**

**Ray spun on his heel and headed towards the washroom before stopping and turning half his face to consider his lover, he whispered, "I suppose she does look good next to you, supports the image you have worked so long to build." **

_'__Caused a good strong woman like you to walk out of my life…' _

**Ray didn't go out of his way to speak to him after that incident, neither did he try to blow Kai off in any sense. He behaved just as he was wont to do recently, and Kai was surprised to notice how different it was than in the beginning of their relationship. Conversation was to the point now, 'good morning', 'breakfast is ready', 'I will be back home by so and so.', 'alright, take care' when earlier they would joke about mindless topics and feel ridiculously giddy when they reached across the table to kiss each other goodbye.**

**It was like the love in their relationship was dead. He was downright shocked to realise how long he had managed to ignore it for. It scared Kai right out of his mind, so much so that when Ray noticed the panic in his eyes, he sighed and enveloped the Russian in a hug, the closest and most intimate hug they had shared out of the bedroom in a while. **

**Kai in turn closed his arms around the neko's waist, burying his nose in the sweet smelling hair. "We'll be fine Ray." And it was more of a question than a statement. **

**A question Ray didn't bother answering. **

_'__Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made…' _

**"****Please Ray I am sorry! You know I am sorry. I will be better! I love you, listen to me I love you!" **

_'__And it haunts me every time I close my eyes…" _

**"****No, Kai you don't love me and I don't think I love you anymore either." **

_'__It all just sounds like ooh ooh ooh ooh ooooh…' _

Golden eyes were clouded over with a thin film of tears but the jaw was set and the face was calm and Kai realised Ray had truly moved on, found love again, and decided to be happy with him.

They danced together in silence, unable to look away from each other. Kai could feel tears tracking down his cheeks and he could feel everyone staring. He had just given himself away he knew, and he didn't care anymore. He deserved the harsh judgement of their friends when the details of their little romance all those years ago were undoubtedly going to be unravelled later tonight for everyone to scrutinise and poke at.

… and even though Kai was, for the second time in his life, reduced to begging again, he bit his words back and smiled sadly. At least, it was only Ray who knew how pathetic he truly was. Ray, his happy ending that he wrecked with his own hands.

_'__Too young, too dumb to realise…_

_That I should've bought you flowers…_

_And held your hand._

_Should have gave you all my hours…_

_When I had the chance._

_Take you to every party cause all you ever wanted to do was dance._

_Now my baby's dancing, but she's dancing with another man.' _

Hiro watched from next to Tyson as Ray visibly struggled with bursting into tears. The recollections were painful, but Hiro knew it was the closure Kai deserved as well as Ray did, so he remained still and waited for when he could whisk his beautiful angel away.

"Although it hurts," Kai guided Ray's head on to his shoulder and the man he had watched the Chinese teen grow into, the bloody amazing, kind, generous, loving and loved man sucked in a breath to hold back a sob as gentle whispers carried the words Kai was singing against his neck to his ears.

"I will be the first to say that,

I was wrong.

Oh, I know its probably much too late,

To try and apologise for my mistakes,

But I just want you to know."

They had stopped moving now. Ray was sobbing and Kai's voice was cracking, his hands disjointedly stroking the raven hair he had once been the only one who had the privilege to touch. Every time he watched Hiro card his fingers through the strands, a part of him wanted to twist his fingers right off his hands, but when Ray's quiet and content sighs reached him, a much smaller part of him thanked the heavens that Hiro Granger was ten times the man he had ever been.

"I hope he buys you flowers," he resumed singing.

"I hope he holds your hand,

Gives you all his hours,

While he has a chance,

Takes you to every party, cause I remember how much you loved to dance,

Do all the things I should've done,

When I was your man.

Do all the things I should've done,

When I was your man."

Disentangling himself from the now weak and clingy limbs, Kai stepped back, appearing calm and composed as always. That night, for the first and last time in his life, he walked away from a crying Ray.

**—**

**"****Just let me… just let me love you, Ray." **

**"****Crazy old sourpuss, you better do because I love you too. I love you so much it hurts me." **


	2. Chapter 2

**So, I have always been unsure about whether to continue this or not. I had originally planned it as a one-shot but this happened, and well… **

**I hope it is a worthy addition and doesn't ruin the story. **

**P.S. I struggled with this for a long while because I couldn't get it to be as angsty as the first part, but then I realized… it really shouldn't be. If I am trying to resolve the loose ends, I can't keep focussing on making it hurt. So I adopted a more bitter-sweet theme since it goes better with the ending.**

**Non-linear, present events in **'—', **flashbacks in '—' **

**Also, I fucked with Hiro's age so he isn't 28 when Ray is 26 but 30. **

**This is completely unedited guys but I really need to go sleep now so I will get to correct all the errors after my test ends which I have to leave for in about a couple of hours now. Did I pull an all-nighter to finish this the night before? Why, what gave it away?**

**A fucking mammoth of a chapter, be warned. **

—

**Ray shivered as Kai ran another rose petal down the back of his knee, gently lifting his leg to trail kisses up his skin. Tan fingers tightened in grey hair, conflicted between wanting to bring those lips to his own or letting them continue their flighty exploration. **

**The soft candlelight cast shadows around his lover's face, highlighting his sculpted cheekbones and the prominent bow of his lips. The fiery red of his eyes had transcended into a deep, passionate maroon, holding and powerful.**

**The delicacy with which his strong fingers traced incomprehensible patterns on Ray's skin astounded him. It was a welcome change, slow and careful and doting. It made Ray's toes curl. **

**Slowly, Kai kissed up his chest to reach his neck, laying breathy pecks on to him. Their aching members rubbed together, but Kai seemed to want to take his time and Ray was breathless from the loving attention he was receiving. Kai was usually rough, and while he loved the possessive press of his hands into his back as he fucked him senseless, this made Ray feel treasured like the Russian was worshipping every inch of his body every time a soft petal touched him. He couldn't remember the last time he had been so gentle, not that he could remember the last time they'd actually slept together. **

**Letting his senses be overwhelmed by Kai's scent he chose to not think about that. They had all the time in the world, would forever be by each other's side. They could make up for all the time they lost, it wasn't like either of them was going anywhere.**

**Treacherous, the realization presented itself, making his fingers halt their tussle with Kai's hair.**

**The glowing candles placed around their bed softly piercing through the darkness of the room… **

**The rose petals that were spread over the bed, being trailed over his skin and showered over his naked form…**

**The golden net curtain falling around the two and locking them away from the world outside, crying and writhing for the attention they couldn't tear away from each other… **

**The tender touches reminiscent of the lazy and bashful morning right after they first did it together… **

**Every single one of those gestures carried an apology for the time Kai was loath to spend away from Ray. He could feel it now, in the shiver of Kai's lips against him, the steady but loud beating of his heart, and the depths of his eyes. Kai was trying to make up for the time his work had stolen away from them.**

**Unaware of the thin film of tears that were brimming in his eyes, Ray grabbed on to Kai's waist and flipped them over, coming to sit on his waist to restrain any retaliation. Smiling down at his lover, he lifted the Russian's knuckles to his lips, laying a soft kiss against the calluses from his days of beyblading. **

**"****I love you." **

**Kai's lips broke into a relieved smile and his head fell back, the body finally at ease. At this angle, the ochre glow of the candle brought out a fresh innocence in the young man's hard-lined face which relaxed with contentment the moment those words left Ray's mouth. The message had been received, he could tell. **

**Watching Ray slide between his legs, Kai moistened his lips and whispered, "I love you too, Ray."**

**Yes, they had all the time in the world. **

—

**It wasn't always bad, and when it was good it took his breath away. **

**Maybe that was why when Ray realized who was on the other end, he could never ****_ever_**** bring himself to ignore the calls.**

**Barely a week after they split up, he received a call from a number he did not recognize. He picked it up and said his hellos but no reply came from the other end. After waiting a minute or so for the person to say something in response to his constant questions regarding who it was, he hung up. **

**In another five days, he received another call from an unknown number. The same routine was repeated. He kept saying 'hello' but nobody responded before he grew frustrated and hung up. That night, he realized the two were the same numbers. **

**After a couple of weeks, the anonymous caller hit again. This time Ray was prepared and he belted out a stern message he had practiced and revised time and time again beforehand. **

**"****Look, sir, I don't know who you are, I don't know what you fucking want and since you're so unwilling to actually talk to me after you have gone through the trouble of calling me, I'd really appreciate it if you just didn't bother. And I am serious, you jackass. Call here again and you're getting your butt reported."**

**Just as he tore his phone away from his ear to dramatically press the red button, a sharp gasp came through. **

**"****No!" **

**Ray froze. **

**It wasn't like he hadn't heard Kai's voice, or seen him at all after their break up. He was putting up at the Granger dojo, and despite having formally retired from the sport mid-season their fourth year, it was a tradition for the four to get together twice every month. **

**However, the desperation in that breathy voice made his heart twist into knots. **

**Carefully, he put the phone back to his ear, labored breathing matching pace on both sides. **

**They sat there, listening to the light panting and the overwhelming silence on each other's ends before there was a shuffle on Kai's side and a shrill ring interrupted the call. It was the sound of Kai's office phone. **

**No goodbyes were said but at the same moment, both of them ended the call.**

—

**There wasn't a lot Kai knew about braiding, or hair in general given how his own was naturally a perfectly tousled mess any given hour of the day. But he adored Ray's shiny, voluminous hair and how it felt in his hands. **

**Early on in their relationship, Ray's hair was still off-limits. The Chinese man had poured sweat, effort and an insane amount of hours into getting his mane so long, thick and beautiful (Kai had heard it on the grapevine that there were virgin sacrifices involved and every time Ray pinned him with a warning glare when he tried to touch his locks, the Russian came to believe the rumors a tad more.) and he just didn't allow anyone to touch it. **

**So, Kai went out of his way to sneak a feel here or there, making a habit of patting the top of his head, playing with the ends of his braid and sometimes even giving it a soft tug when he needed to grab his attention. There were some instances where when they cuddled together at night, he would even dare to run his fingers through it a couple of times before his hand was pinned away by the cat. **

**All in all, it was an uphill battle for Kai to get Ray to allow him hair-touching privileges, and quite a laugh for the neko himself. **

**It was blatantly obvious in the way Kai's shoulders sagged every time his advances were denied, that he'd willingly kill somebody to get to play with the neko's hair. It was flattering, but also a great bargain that he had stowed away for when he needed it.**

**Well, he didn't but his sulking mess of a boyfriend desperately did, so the time was now.**

**'****Love of my Life' had been playing on the jukebox that day in the dumb little cafe they visited because Ray was starving. It was one of his favorite songs, but it hit the somewhere sore inside of him, waking emotions it really had no business waking because Kai hadn't given him any reason to doubt him, ever. **

**_'… _****_or didn't he?' _**

**Ray had shaken his head and plastered a smile on his face, brain working in overdrive to get the pleasant memories they had made together to overshadow Max's words. **

**_'_****_Of course, I want you to be happy, I am just saying you should also be careful. Loyalty really isn't one of his strongest traits you know.' _**

**But that Kai was different!**

**Right? **

**Sitting there across from his boyfriend, Ray's insides had flown into an unprecedented panic that had latched itself to every thought of Kai ever since his conversation with Max. He didn't even know he had confessed in Max. He hadn't given their relationship away but he had told him he had a thing for Kai and was going to pursue him. **

**However, Max's words were pinned down in his head by the fact that the Russain had been very distant lately, and didn't even seem to be willing to address that it was slowly becoming a problem between them. Kai had been busy for quite a while now, but earlier he at least tried to make it up to him. If he couldn't physically find time for something special, he would nod his head in his particular brand of apology and promise to try to make time. **

**He barely looked at Ray these days.**

**When Kai had told him he had some time to go out for a couple of hours that day and check out the new record store Ray was dying to visit, the neko almost jumped with joy. The pits of doubt that had been swirling in his gut were promptly covered up till they found themselves in this little food bar and this cursed song kicked his heart into overdrive. **

**What if Kai had found someone better? **

**Loathe as he was to even entertain the possibility and doubt his boyfriend like that, it was a valid one. He had shown them multiple times in the past that if a better alternative presented itself, he would leave. And there had to be a dozen better options available to him.**

**As his heart raced, and Mercury cooed about lost love, Ray found himself thinking he should be doing something to show Kai how much he valued him. Well, it wasn't like he didn't spend all his time sitting home waiting for Kai to come back, but maybe he should be doing something else… Maybe that idiot had convinced himself that Ray didn't want him around anymore!**

**Grasping at straws with his heart threatening to jump right out of his chest, he had snatched Kai's hands. Max's words interspersed with the lyrics of the song were all he could hear inside his head that day. He didn't even want to remember what his face must have looked like. **

**But as the words had flowed out of his mouth, Kai's expression had tightened and he snatched his hand away, making Ray's face fall and stomach turn. **

**They had left the cafe in silence, gotten home in silence, the record shop chased out of their thoughts by the heart ache they were both suffering from, of course, in silence. Kai hadn't even looked at him. **

**Three days after that and the tension hadn't left. Ray had spent the last few nights in absolute misery, half convinced that this was the end of their relationship. Why hadn't Kai talked to him? What had he done wrong? Why did he react like that to such a simple touch? **

**Till they got to breakfast that morning and Kai stoically whispered a one-worded apology before practically flying out of their house.**

**Still unsure why Kai had reacted like that in the first place, he was at least relieved he felt appropriately sorry and wasn't planning on breaking up. So, Ray set about thinking of how best to release the tension between them and prove to Kai that it was okay. **

**Maybe if he hadn't been so eager to soothe his own insecurities and bitten the bullet, actually initiating a conversation about what was going wrong, they would still be together. **

**"****Kai?" **

**He approached the brooding stud currently hiding inside their bedroom. **

**Kai looked up at him and a slate collared brow went up at Ray's hair falling undone behind him. **

**Offering a comb to the Russian, Ray tried for a smile. "I really don't feel like fighting with it today." **

**Kai's eyes grew wide and a choked sound escaped his mouth. Within seconds he was scooting back on the bed to make space for him. Ray chuckled and plopped down on the bed in front of him, tossing the comb back at Kai, which was immediately forgotten as Kai ran his fingers through his silky hair. **

**Pleased at himself for saving his trump card, he leaned back into Kai's hand which was currently massaging the base of his head. This felt better than he had anticipated. Letting a low purr escape his throat, he pushed his locks even closer to Kai's reach.**

**"****There are no tangles." **

**"****Uh-huh."**

**Ray smirked upon hearing the soft chuckle behind him. **

**"****Feel as good as you thought?" **

**"****Hm." **

**Craning his neck, he purred again, and again a little louder when an arm came to wrap around his waist and teeth found his sweet spot. **

**—**

"Babe?"

The groggy voice of his boyfriend pulled him out of his thoughts. Rubbing an eye, with the other trained on the younger man's back, Hiro yawned, clearly only half-awake.

"Morning, babe." Leaning over, Ray pecked his boyfriend on his lips and pulled back the next moment because he knew Hiro would want to deepen the kiss, something he didn't like. He wasn't big on physical contact early in the morning, or stale breath for that matter.

Not that he would ever mention it to Hiro.

"It's still dark outside.", the man slurred. "Come back to sleep, Ray."

Well, it was 4:30 but he couldn't possibly sleep and lying on the bed staring up at the ceiling as a dead man gave him the creeps.

"I can't sleep."

Forcing his eyes fully open, Hiro gave him a questioning glance. "You okay?"

Again, not like he could tell him that his ex-boyfriend had been plaguing every single waking thought of his, ever since the night of that party.

As amazing a boyfriend as Hiro was, a lot went unsaid between the two, mostly on Ray's end because Hiro was significantly older and couldn't help his overbearing attitude when it came to his younger partner's problems. He'd either be fixing to solve them all for him or tell him they weren't that big a deal. A rant was never just that with Hiro, it was almost always bound to turn into unwanted advice and suggestions offered by the Granger brother.

Kai never used to interrupt him when he wanted to vent.

Ray released a deep sigh. He couldn't afford to think this way.

"Yeah."

One thing he had mastered was convincingly lying to someone's face, something that'd never have been possible with Kai, who had known Ray since he was a dweeby teen, someone who could judge, by the mere timber of his voice, if he was lying or not.

As Hiro turned back on his side and promptly fell asleep Ray returned to the storm raging inside his head. It had been a month since the party and Ray hadn't taken any of the four calls from that familiar unknown number. He couldn't bear to listen to Kai's voice no matter how much he wanted to. The image of those tear-filled eyes, desperate and aching as they danced together for the last time, so reminiscent of the haunted, pained red orbs that had tortured him in his dreams for months after he had moved out, assaulted his heart with a steady stream of guilty thoughts.

Should he have stayed? Should he have given him another chance? Had he been hasty?

… should he answer the phone when he rang?

The last one was a definite no-no. He was weak just then. The past had rudely been brought up and shoved in his face. He had finally taught himself to look at Kai and see a friend, somebody who's wedding he might one day have to attend with a smile on his face, somebody who's kid would know him as uncle Ray, somebody who _wasn't_ just his first love.

Now? All he could remember was what it had been like with Kai around.

Ray wondered if they hadn't been kids trying their hardest to grow up in a world so set against them, would they have worked out?

Yes. The answer was prompt and subject to absolutely no hesitation.

—

**It was actually Mariah who first introduced the idea to him when she visited him a year after he split with Kai. Lee had just become the village head and immediately repealed the exile order on Ray. Turned out it had all been a big mess. Lee hadn't snitched and though Mariah was upset, none of them ever wanted anything bad to happen to their friend. Lee's father had overheard them talking and told the Elders. It was a joy to know his friends had been faithful to him. **

**_'_****_Maybe it was because of Voltaire, you know. I won't think he would be very accepting of Kai's relationship with you.'_**

**He knew he won't but he was behind bars then and Kai didn't once mention anything on that head.**

**_'_****_Look Ray you just won't look good next to me. You don't suit the image I have worked so long to build.'_**

**Was what was said instead. **

**Recalling that still made his eyes water sometimes. He had felt so small and inadequate that day. Kai had often before berated him over letting others' opinions affect him but this? This was his own boyfriend basically admitting he wasn't good enough for him. **

**However, Mariah had managed to open a flood gate of doubts. What if it had been Voltaire? Knowing Kai and his stubborn pride he won't ever admit to it that he was being forced to do something against his will so he had had basically no way of knowing if what Kai said was actually what he felt, except to take his word for it. **

**But if he found him so beneath himself, why would he stay with him? Why would he get down on his knees and beg for him to not leave? Why would he cry for him?**

**They were all questions he didn't have answers to and just then wasn't willing to go hunting for, especially at the expense of his mental well being that'd definitely be sacrificed if he tried contacting him again.**

**—**

**The high and mighty no-contact stance even felt justified to him because their regular phone calls couldn't be counted as staying in touch, could they? Since all Kai did was listen to Ray breathe, and sometimes talk about whichever topic presented itself to the neko just then. **

**It was weird in the beginning, speaking to someone who wasn't responding so Ray took to simply sitting in silence, feeling strangely close to Kai during all their nerve-wracking silences. Sometimes he'd rant about things on his mind, sometimes he would give him minor life updates, sometimes he almost called out his name and asked him to talk to him, one last time. **

**The phone calls helped him heal, though. They were the closure he needed and he selfishly continued to take them, till the frequency at which they came decreased over time from thrice in a month, to once in three months.**

**Finally, they became a bi-annual occurrence that was a bittersweet reminder of the love he had once shared with his best friend and team captain.**

**Five years into their relationship and Hiro still didn't know. **

**—**

Panting, he pushed the older man off of himself, their eyes meeting briefly in what was almost a physical caress before they fell back next to each other, heavy breathing mellowing out as they slowly came down from their highs.

Reaching behind himself, Hiro blindly fumbled for his packet of smokes, found it and lit up.

Ray watched, transfixed. The older man wasn't theatrical in his actions, his movements simple and efficient and yet every time Hiro smoked after doing it, Ray found himself watching, something inherently charming about the coils of desperate passion fading from his lover's countenance with every exhale till he was fully relaxed, head lolling onto one shoulder, but only slightly, eyes half-lidded and peaking through a curtain of cobalt hair.

Ray pushed those stray strands aside, and Hiro's lips brushed against his palm before offering the narcotic to him. The Neko-jin wasn't big on smoking but he did at times, socially or when they were alone together like this and the mood just seemed too precious to be thrown off by the smallest of denials somehow.

As they shared the cigarette, Ray tried to scoot up and pull himself closer to Hiro but a sharp sting in his butt made him stop. He felt positively abused now and as good as the orgasms were he won't give up all mobility in his limbs for them.

Three months had passed after that party and since he had ignored all the times Kai called him from his unknown, but a now-familiar number, the Russian had texted him from his official one. Just a simple text asking him if he was okay and making sure he hadn't upset him.

As final as that dance seemed, it left the two aching for each other again and Ray's refusal to continue the tradition seemed to have Kai desperate to at least save the one link they still had between them.

Unfortunately, Hiro was the one who saw that text and then demanded to know what was so bad about their prior conversations that he had had to delete the message history since he was completely refusing to believe that they hadn't been speaking to each other before that point. Ray could see why he would think that. Who randomly texted their ex asking if they were okay if they hadn't been talking already?

However, he knew how revealing the truth about their silent phone calls would make him look. Would he even believe him? In which universe did people call people to listen to the sound of their breathing?

Hence, they erupted in a fight. Hiro had never been the jealous sort but as it seemed, watching the two dance together from the side-lines that night had left him feeling odd. In Granger's own words, it didn't look like they were separated exes who had moved on with life.

"What does that even mean, Hiro?!", he had screamed.

"He is still in love with you! The only thing holding him back from you is your refusal to be with him!", his gaze had felt like it was scorching Ray's heart. "And even that rejection was unsure and hesitant at best. Are you having second thoughts Ray?! Are you so fucking weak you've fallen to his feet over one dance six fucking years after you decided you were done with his shit and left?!"

Ray couldn't remember how they made up but it had been decided he won't ever contact Kai again, and he faintly remembered apologizing for making Hiro feel bad. This wasn't the first time somebody showed their interest in Ray in front of him, but it was definitely the first time the Japanese man reacted so violently. So, Ray was led to believe there ought to be some truth to his words when he said it seemed like Ray reciprocated Kai's affection.

One major change had taken place since then. Hiro had turned into a sex-machine.

They were doing it a little too often for Ray's body to take it now. For the past five days, they had slept together every night, fucked right after waking up three of those five mornings and had had a couple of quickies here and there. Ray's ass literally couldn't take any more without being torn open now.

Another thing Ray really missed was being the dominant partner in bed. He hadn't given once in all his years with Hiro. The man was taller, broader and a good four years older. It just felt wrong to Ray himself.

It was not like Hiro wasn't good in bed, but Ray craved the surge of power that came with making someone moan his name in pleasure while he slowly drove him near insane. While in the beginning, it had felt nice to lay back and enjoy the other person shouldering all the labor, now it wasn't so pleasing. He had taken to masturbating while imagining himself buried balls deep in different people early on in this relationship to get some of the edges off.

"Hiro?"

"Hm?"

Another peculiar happening. He kept humming like a fucking giraffe these days.

Rolling his eyes, because really he wasn't dumb and could see what was happening, he motioned for him to light another cigarette. A draft sneaked in through some open window down the hall and made the neko shiver. Hiro quickly draped the covers over his sweaty body and passed him the fag.

"You need to go and jerk off in the washroom if you feel like fucking anytime again in the next few days. I am a little sore, babe."

"Did I hurt you?"

"A little. Don't worry about it, we've just been doing it a lot these days."

There was a pause. "Remember that time you told me about when your legs won't support you for an entire day after you had sex with Kai and you couldn't even sit on any hard surfaces without hurting?"

Ray whipped his head to pin a warning glare on Hiro.

"That was because it was my first time and I was also hungover.", he bit back.

Hiro raised his hands in defense. "I was just checking to see if I'd hurt you that bad is all." Before turning on to his side and laying back down under the sheets.

Ray was left staring at the man's back with his mouth hanging open.

"You're being fucking childish, Hiro!", Ray shouted at him in indignation, but there was no response and his boyfriend's breathing soon evened out into the soft snores that were characteristic of him.

—

**Ray was soaked to the bone when he stepped into their house that day. His clothes were drenched and his hair dripped water onto the floor of the hallway but he remembered to wipe his shoes on the doormat. He didn't want to be a fucking hypocrite. **

**He had walked around the city, cold and furious at Kai. He was hurt, admittedly, that his boyfriend would even think of raising a hand to him but more so he was mad at the fact that he had gone and aired all their dirty laundry to his friends when he knew both of them hated Ray. **

**Every time he thought of how much the two would have laughed at him and dissed him behind his back, he cringed and gnashed his teeth in rage, simultaneously. **

**He wasn't even allowed to tell his friends they were together but Kai could go out and shit on him to his, and all because Ray refused to be a quick, mindless fuck during the measly few minutes Kai could spare from his otherwise busy and by miles, more important work life. **

**It was all so humiliating that Ray couldn't see himself ever being comfortable in Tala and Bryan's presence again. **

**Then there was the fact that Tala was Kai's ex. **

**Just the smallest reminder of that made insecurity churn in the pit of Ray's stomach.**

**The redhead was taller and seemed prettier to him. He was so similar to Kai and had a paying job at 19. He was also excelling in whatever course he was studying at this big, fancy university Ray couldn't even pronounce the name of. **

**He was also a better beyblader. Kai had often talked about how strong an opponent Tala would be, whereas after their match the last season he hadn't even turned to spare Ray a second glance, so clearly he didn't think a lot of Ray's own prowess as a blader. **

**It had started raining sometime around 2 p.m. when he was still wandering around, lost in his thoughts, but now with an extra layer of tired and hungry. Taking a leaf out of his dramatic ass boyfriend's book, he had continued walking in the rain, not stopping for shelter and not really caring about any of the weird looks he was receiving and all that seemed very badass in his mind till he was back in their bedroom wrapped up inside blankets with his nose refusing to stop running.**

**The door of their room creaked open to reveal Kai, with a steaming cup of what Ray's nose quickly recognized as jasmine tea in his hand. **

**Ray turned his head away. **

**Sighing, Kai came to sit in front of Ray and pushed the cup close to his nose. With a faint grin in his voice, he said, ****"You won't look very scary with snot dripping down to your lips when you are over the silent treatment and decide to tear into me for being such an ass."**

**"That's the most you have said to me in, let's see, three weeks now I guess."**

**"Can't help it when my part…-"**

**"Do I look like I find you funny right now, Hiwatari?!"**

**"I am sorry."**

**"Oh, that's great! Makes everything perfectly fine! The big, bad Kai Hiwatari deigns to apologize to his lowly mountain rat of a, what was it that ketchup-for-hair impotent clown called me? Practicing bitch! Right! Call the paparazzi, need to take a picture, frame it and get the fucking date gilded in!"**

**"I wasn't thinking, baby and don't call yourself that. You're the most important person in my entire life, Ray Kon. Don't forget." **

"**Ohhh I see, name-calling privileges are reserved for him, are they?"**

**"He won't ever misbehave with you again I promise…-"**

**"****What would stop him? My boyfriend's overwhelming protectiveness? Because I can't see a shred of that these days!"**

**"****I said I am sorry! I told him…-"**

**"****Ah! Brought your dog to heel too, didn't you, Mr. Hiwatari! Would you like a press release now?" **

**"****Ray please!" **

**"****Don't you dare raise your voice to me!" Ray had torn the sheets away and came to his feet! His eyes slit and his fangs came bare and Kai took a careful step towards him. After putting the cup of tea out of the range of his flailing limbs obviously.**

**"****Calm down, Ray. Please. Tell me, what should I do to make it up to you?" **

**Ray scoffed. "Have some fucking respect for me."**

**"****I do. There's nobody I respect more than you. Who won't? You're perfect."**

**Ray's anger was nowhere near assuaged by Kai's sweet-talking, though. Tala's cruel and mocking words kept running inside his head and he couldn't get over the fact that this asshole who was claiming to respect him because he was oh-so-perfect was the one who handed the redhead all that ammunition on a bloody platter. **

**"****I don't believe you." **

**Kai smirked a little, lips drawing closer to Ray's. "Now that sounds like a you problem to me." **

**"****Wow, so it's all my fault now?!" Clearly, he didn't make sense and nothing made sense to him just then.**

**In a second that growing smirk was chased away by a flabbergasted frown. "… what?"**

**"****Yeah, we're done here." Stomping like a child, Ray had grabbed his pillow, his blanket, and the tea-cup before marching out of their bedroom. He knew he was being irrational here, but it won't kill Kai to be on the receiving end of a childish temper tantrum for once. **

**Within twenty minutes of him being settled as comfortably as one possibly could be on the sofa, Kai had followed him downstairs.**

**He had changed into his pajamas and was carrying his pillow and blanket with him, so clearly he planned to stay wherever the hell Ray was going to sleep, even if there was literally no other piece of furniture that he could comfortably sleep on. That thought alone, made a grudging smile appear on Ray's lips. **

**Thankful for the darkness, which would conveniently hide his small concession, aware of how cold the floor would be if this stubborn fucker decided to sit down on it and starting to feel a bit guilty for blowing up (really, stomping out on a situation, going missing for a good twelve hours and then throwing a tantrum really weren't things he was comfortable doing) Ray threw back the blanket from over himself, gesturing for Kai to get in on top of him. Kai's cocky smirk came back, making the neko-jin roll his eyes. **

**The least he could do was give him a good cuddle after the sort of day he had had, ****_without_**** rubbing it into his face that he was supposed to be angry. **

**Comfortable with his head against Ray's chest, Kai looked up. **

**"****Hey, kitten." **

**Every morning ****_after,_**** those would be the first words Ray heard from him, accompanied by a teasing grin that made him flash-back to the night before, all the things they had done, all the places he had been kissed, and all the sounds he had made. **

**"****I am still mad at you.", he reminded Kai. **

**"****I am still sorry." **

**Ray didn't respond to that, choosing to bask in the comfortable silence of the first night they were spending together in a long while. **

**"****Tala dyes his hair and eyebrows to look more fierce, you know.", Kai randomly blurted out. **

**Ray's eyes about popped out of their sockets. "You're kidding me!" **

**Kai chuckled. "Nope. He is actually a brunette." **

**…**

**The very image of a brown-haired Tala was so ridiculous it made Ray burst out laughing. Kai rested his cheek against his t-shirt clad chest again, enjoying the faint vibrations. **

**It took Ray a good two minutes to sober up. He just couldn't deal with the image of a mousy haired Tala. The only saving grace of that hairdo was the color, and to imagine it as a dull, lifeless brown exaggerated the white of Tala's skin and basically made him appear like a wispy, doped-up teenager with an attitude problem.**

**"****You're actually kidding me, Kai." Ray chortled. **

**"****Hmm. Got you to laugh though." **

**Still a little too amused, Ray slapped Kai's shoulder, prompting him to continue further. **

**"****Now on to the actual dirt." **

**"****Only fair." **

**"****His overachieving tendencies are just compensation for… other things." **

**"****Really?" **

**"****It was one major point of conflict between us, and a contributing factor to why our relationship collapsed." Ray could hear the barely suppressed laughter in his words. "Because he always bragged about it and when I finally got to see it, there really wasn't much to look at, quite literally, and I laughed." **

**Oh, this was gold.**

**"****In my defense, you should have heard the things he used to say about his cock. Looking at it in real-time was like a whack around my head because I was expecting to be impaled to the wall and all he seemed to have been able to give me then was four seconds of under the sheets poking-at-my-hole disappointment."**

**Ray couldn't help his laughter anymore. Kai rarely spoke so much in one go, and then he absolutely ****_never_**** divulged details of his past relationships to Ray. **

**So clearly, he was sorry. **

**"****Well? Was he any good in bed, then?" **

**"****Won't know. Told him his peepee put me off and he just won't agree to bottom instead." **

**"****You actually said that to him?! How are you alive?!" **

**A snort left the Russian. "Who do you think I am?"**

**"****He also knits in his free time."**

**"****THE Tala Ivanov?" **

**"****Yes. I once saw him practicing kissing with the edge of the bloody mattress." **

**"****Now that's just weird.", Ray chuckled. **

**"****Bryan is seriously scared of pigeons."**

**"****Wow. How did he earn any of his street cred?"**

**Kai snorted, "Babe, Boris practically bought everybody in the Abbey their street cred." **

**"****Fair enough."**

**"****Bryan also used to have a crush on Max." **

**"****Our Maxie?" **

**"****Yes." **

**"****I had no idea."**

**"****Well, Bryan had to give up on that one as soon as Tala found out." **

**Fully engrossed in the tale, Ray gasped. **

**"****Did he hit him?", he whispered, conspiringly. **

**"****Nope. He cried. Then confessed." **

**"****Huh?"**

**Kai's arms had gone from laying on top of Ray to wrapping around his waist. "I was just the test run, see. He is crazy behind Bryan. Would kill a child for him if he ever asks, crazy."**

**Ray's arms rounded Kai's neck, hands shifting through his hair. **

**"****Well? Does Bryan like him?" **

**"****He isn't really sure, as far as I know. They have been screwing for a while now. He made a bitch out of that cocky bastard with a snap of his fingers though, that is for sure." He paused. "So you see, Tala really isn't anybody even remotely wonderful to any of us who grew up with him. You guys just don't know him well." **

**"****That's supposed to make your muck up better, how?" **

**"****It isn't. I am just trying to tell you, that they are my best friends. I have never hidden anything from them, ever. I know that's not an excuse for complaining about our relationship to them but I didn't do it out of malice but out of habit." **

**Ray bit back his scoff. Kai was trying his hardest to make things up to him. He really couldn't shit on his efforts. **

**"****You sure are talkative today." **

**"****I always want to talk to you." **

**"****Why don't you then?" **

**The atmosphere rapidly sobered up around them as they silently gazed in each other's eyes, because they didn't. They didn't talk about the distance that was growing, they didn't talk about the hurt they were causing, and they absolutely never talked about Kai's feelings. Although Ray had learned how to read him like a mere book, the lack of faith left him feeling bitter at times. **

**"****Because I have never learned how to."**

**The simple sentence was like a smack of realization and Ray opened his mouth to hastily assure him it was okay if he didn't feel like communicating but was quickly silenced with a peck. **

**"****I do want to talk to you. I want to share all my thoughts with you but I was brought up in an atmosphere that really discouraged talking, about your emotions, about your problems or just talking in general. Opening up is difficult for me not because I don't want to, but because I don't know how to.**

**"****I have made progress for sure, you've helped me, Tyson, Max, hell even Kenny has. You, especially. Am I at that point where I can just comfortably blurt out whatever is on my mind? No. Most of the time words refuse to come to me till I have spent a good amount of time thinking about whether my input would even be of any value or not because that was how I lived most of my life and it has become a habit.**

**"****That's also why I love listening to you talk, knowing you feel at your ease around me, enough to go on about everything from your dumb ideas about how the insects can overthrow humans whenever they want, to your fears and your feelings. I know I haven't really been here for you for a while now but I promise you it will get better. When that bastard kicks the bucket and I inherit the business to run it just how I wish, we will be free and I will be all yours. I promise you."**

**Despite the fact that his head was reeling with how much Kai had just said (he could go on record and bet his head that it was the most he had ever talked to anybody ever), despite the fact that his heart was literally galloping around his chest at all those sweet, sweet words and promises, despite the fact that he could also feel something digging into him down there now, all he could say, rather whisper, was:**

**"****Did you practice all that?" **

**There was a silence and Kai shifted a little, making the poke in his thigh disappear. To compensate, Ray's hand went up his shirt, slowly stroking the skin down his spine. **

**"****If it helps my cause, all I could think about after you marched out was how best to say what I wanted to say to you. I might have written it all down and learned it word for word." **

**Ray's shoulders heaved in an overwhelmed little laugh. "Should do it more often then." **

**"****I WILL cut your legs off, Kon, consider yourself fucking warned."**

**Ray chuckled, before nudging Kai's thigh with his knee. **

**"****You need a little help?"**

**"****If you think I deserve it.", Kai tried to shrug it off. "One last fact for you, Ian has a golden shower fetish." **

**"****EWWW DISGUSTING, KAI!" **

**—**

"I am sorry for the way I have been acting, Ray. It was just how you reacted that night, how restless you've been since then and those text messages… I lost my mind. But it's really not my fault. You have thrown me for a loop here. I was about to propose to you that night, Ray but now, with the way you have been behaving…"

—

**Two months together was too soon to be feeling giddy over the thought of marrying Kai one day. **

**Ray giggled quietly by himself as his eyes surveyed the engagement rings on display in the shop. They had come in to pick up a bracelet for Hilary's birthday from Kai and as the curious cat wandered off, he came across some gorgeous rings in another section of the shop. One in particular really appealed to him, an elegant platinum band with a single line of small cut black diamonds running down the middle of it. It reminded him of Kai. **

**Stealing a shy glance at his new boyfriend, he felt his grin widen. If they did end up getting married (which he would very much like to), he would buy him a ring exactly like this. If he could find something with rubies that were masculine enough, maybe he would go for that. He would probably need to start putting money away early on if he ever hoped to afford something actually good enough for Kai, though. **

**Considering their last few days together, he would probably be the one to pop the question so he would need a little extra from an engagement ring too.**

**Judging by his memories of every time he had held Kai's hands, he would say his fingers were two sizes bigger than his own. Wait, would he like a platinum band or something darker? Did he even like stones on his rings? **

**Catching himself, Ray blushed. They were too young and had only been together for a couple of months but all he could think of these days was Kai. It was enthralling, getting to know him better. With every new thing he learned about Kai, his fascination only grew. As layers of mysterious charm were peeled off, comfortable warmth replaced them. Falling into each others' arms at the end of each day was something Ray looked forward to all day. It didn't feel odd, daydreaming about marrying him, not in the least. **

**Maybe he was being childish, but it made him happy. **

**The next day, Kai presented him with a small wrapped up box. **

**Cocking a brow, Ray took the present and opened it to reveal a ring box from that very same high-end shop they had visited the day before. **

**Eyes wide, Ray lifted the lid to reveal a simple golden band within. He gawped at Kai in uncontrolled surprise. **

**"****Kai…" **

**Plucking the ring from the box Kai gestured for him to give him his hand. "You seemed very interested in the rings yesterday but I knew if I bought you anything more expensive you'd pitch a fit." He placed the ring on to his left ring finger. It felt a little loose, but Ray chose not to mention it just then and ruin the moment. **

**"****It's holding space, alright?"**

**If only they knew how spectacularly they were going to fuck this up. **

**—**

It was Hiro's ultimatum, thinly veiled as an apology, that really jolted Ray. He realized the memories he had been recalling lately were all related to how good their days together had been, or how desperately Kai tried to make up for his fuck ups in the beginning. He realized he hadn't gotten one full night's sleep since the party and that constant ides of 'could have been' haunted every waking moment of his. He realized he was upset Kai no longer tried to call him.

Understanding that he needed to get a grip, and quickly, he called Hiro's no.1 hater (arguably right there next to Kai on the list) over to his place for some day drinking and good old best friend therapy.

Mariah took one look at his face and raised a brow. "I warned you the night of the party itself, didn't I?"

Well, she had. He had run out into the hallway minutes after Kai left and she had followed him, only to watch him have one of the biggest breakdowns of his life. She hugged him and comforted him for as long as he needed and then essentially told him to get a hold of himself before he caused bigger problems for them all.

"So, what has happened to bring out the age-old look of doom?"

He followed her into their living room, pouring both of them a glass of rosé each.

"Hiro was planning to propose to me the night of the party but has been severely disturbed by how disturbed I am these days." Mariah rolled her eyes, and Ray was once again for the millionth time, struck by how they were a darker, more sinister shade than any other neko-jin he had come across.

"He is basically holding it over my head and telling me to get over whatever is going on with me, or he would not marry me."

"He said that? You didn't punch him?"

"He implied it. And no, I didn't because all of that followed an apology I hadn't been expecting so I didn't realize he was basically holding our relationship hostage."

"And how did it come to this point?"

So, Ray broke it down for her.

"He's never reacted like this, ever. I don't know what's wrong with him…-"

"Every single thing about that man is pretty fucking wrong, Ray-Ray."

Ray huffed. "I want to understand what is happening to my happy love life here, Mars. If you're going to shit on Hiro, I am really not in the mood to put up with it."

"Alright, let's begin with what's wrong with you then. I have three questions for you here. First, have you been missing Kai?"

"Wait, what?"

Mariah raised a brow before knocking back her wine and gesturing for Ray to fill it back up.

"What?"

"How does Kai tie into this?"

"Don't be a delusional cunt. You know exactly how he ties into this. So tell me, have you been missing him?"

What was the point of calling her all the way here if he couldn't even be honest with her?

"You're never going to mention this to anybody after this conversation is done, and that includes me."

A feline grin crossed her pouty lips, which she tried to conceal behind the rim of her glass.

"You know I won't."

"I have been thinking about how we used to be a lot. I keep revisiting every memory that I can recall, spend all my time thinking about how we might have been able to work it out if we had been a little smarter, or older, I don't know."

"And?"

"And?"

"No other type of thoughts about him?"

An embarrassed flush attacked the Chinese man's cheekbones. "If you think I am jacking off to an image of his then I will have you know that I…-"

"Never ever stopped doing that in the first place? Yeah, I know." Ray's cheeks blew up in indignation. "I don't mean that. I am talking Kai in general."

"How does that matter?"

"When you decide to save a couple of bucks on a therapist and make-do with your best friend, you become obligated to obey all of her commands."

He frowned. "Well, I do think about how he's done in life you know? He didn't look any worse for wear but we all know the man could be dying inside but won't let anybody see. He shortened his hair, did you notice? The ear stud is gone too, which is a shame. I liked it on him. I heard the Hiwatari Enterprises boomed like anything last year, must still be having 14 hour long workdays, that idiot. He didn't seem to have a partner. That would be treated as a good excuse to not take off on weekends, I tell you. I didn't catch him smoking once, though. Wonder if he's stopped?"

Ray's eyes found Mariah's in the middle of his rant and he stopped short, suspicious of her victorious smirk.

"So it's not just your relationship you miss."

… didn't seem so.

"The second question, if Hiro hadn't been such a pillar of support for you if he hadn't been the one who built you back up when you broke, would you have fallen for him, based on who he is as a person alone?"

Given the fact that they had been together for nearly six years now, a part of him took deep offense at that question and nearly snarled at Mariah to get out of their house. The other part, the quieter part, made his heart race and wondered why he couldn't say a simple 'yes' instead of getting defensive.

"I… I don't know. I have been together with him so long, I have come to like every aspect of him. I can no longer tell if these same things about him would have attracted me at all back then."

"Alright, I'll take that. So, my third question to you Mr. Ray Kon is that if one dance with the man who was supposedly the worst relationship of your life, can shake the foundations of this fairy tale perfect relationship of over five years that you've had with this other guy you now consider yourself in love with, why in God's name are we even having this conversation?"

A silence fell over the two as Mariah let Ray absorb what she meant. To her as an outsider, it was painfully obvious what was wrong here. Ray had never told her about the phone calls before but even before she had had any visible proof of Kai's constant regret she could tell his hands had been tied to a certain degree. Kai was inconsiderate to an extent that was true, but the entire hiding the relationship mess, something that had weighed so heavily on Ray's mind, was starting to appear more and more like something he couldn't help back then. She knew there were other issues between them, but most of those could be written off to Kai being too busy and both of them being inexperienced children. What had truly driven Ray away was the fact that he had convinced himself Kai was ashamed of him, which she really couldn't believe was the case.

Even as teenagers, the look in Kai's eyes when it came to Ray was one of respect and trust. He acknowledged Ray, not only as a strong teammate, but a trust-worthy friend and anybody could see that. Somebody who held him in such high regard couldn't actually be ashamed of him.

However, Ray had been too deeply involved with the situation to actually be able to put things in perspective. He had been hurt and he didn't like that, so he left. It was really that simple.

"Hiro said I was weak for letting him bring me to my knees after one dance.", he mentioned quietly.

Sighing and passing Ray her own glass of wine to finish upon noticing his was empty, she put a hand over his.

"Of course he did because he's scared of losing you right now and honestly, you have to make the decision. You can go on living like this, keep on telling yourself you're in love with Hiro or that whatever you felt for Kai has come to an end. I can't stop you, I know.

"But for once in your life I want you to acknowledge the truth, that you loved that man when you walked out of his door, that you said yes to Hiro because you couldn't find it in yourself to get over him on your own, that you kept entertaining those dumb calls where he didn't ever say a single word to you because you craved a connection with him, and that the dance, the confirmation that he loves you and in fact always has, won't ever let you lay in peace again because you will keep thinking about what your life with him could've been like. I want you to remember all of that and then make a decision because if you run away with your mind half-made up again, you will ruin two other lives apart from your own, two lives you have no business fucking with."

His lower lip was trembling now, and tears had made their way to his eyes. Everything he had been unable to put into words was now being shoved into his face and as he felt waves of emotions wash over himself, he clutched on to the hand of one of his oldest friends for precious support.

"I saw you that night, and I saw him too. I have no reason to be saying any of this to you, Ray except that we both know where your happiness is, has always been. I am not Kai's biggest fan and you know that. Hell, I really don't like that guy and I'm pretty sure he hates me too but…-"

"He doesn't, Mariah."

"A very nice way of saying he really doesn't care about me at all, but the point remains. You need to think things through. Decide what you want, and stick by it."

—

"I need a break." If Hiro wanted to play dirty by hanging the almost-engagement on top of his head, he didn't have any reason to be considerate of his feelings.

Calm as always, the Japanese man turned to his lover. "I was expecting this. Where will you be taking your break, in the Hiwatari manor?"

"Hiro, please don't do this. Have some faith in me! I am going through a lot here right now, I am not going to deny it anymore I need time! And if you want things to ever possibly be okay between us again, you need to give it to me."

The older man clenched his teeth in frustration and Ray could see him forcing himself to remain seated and not pounce on him and snap his neck or something. The thought provided for some amusement because Ray knew he could take Hiro down with incredible ease.

"You're right. I haven't been very supportive of you having second thoughts about us, have I?" He ran a shaking hand through his hair, pinning Ray with a disgusted and pained glare.

This, if it wasn't for all their history together, won't be so difficult. He couldn't stand the heartbreak he would cause if he left Hiro.

… but then, Mariah was right. He wasn't doing anybody any favors by acting like this either.

"I am going back home for a while. I haven't seen Lee and the guys for so long. I need time to think about what is happening to me and what is good for me, for us, _all_ of us. I have been running from my feelings for long enough because I was scared they would amount to nothing now but I can't keep going like this. I have hurt him enough."

Hiro scoffed. "Only ever been about him, hasn't it?"

—

He hadn't even been gone a full week when the photos started spreading all over Twitter.

Well, the chic had long black hair quite like his own, so at least he stuck with his preferred type.

It hurt, but he felt insulted more than anything. It was like, in the past four months, something had shifted inside. Or maybe a lid had been lifted from over the deep, dark well he buried his emotions in, for they had turned into such a vortex of nostalgia and desire that they had the power to swallow anything else thrown at them just then.

Hiro answered the call on the third ring with a tired, unabashed 'hello?'

"Could've dumped me first."

"Wanted to give you a taste of what it felt like."

"So you're not gonna try and deny it?"

"Are you going to try and deny you were going to leave me for him?"

"That's the thing Hiro I hadn't made any such decision. I don't think I could have ever brought myself to leave you after everything you did for me and not even going into how toxic and unhealthy that would have made our relationship out to be, this behavior of yours has made it clear that you only love me when I am sitting down pat on your knees and being your little darling.

"But now? Now you, yourself have handed me a solid reason to end things and walk away so don't you try to pin any of this on me. I am hanging up now. Don't call this number again."

Even as he clicked the phone shut, his knees gave in. There were no tears coming but his chest ached. Was it for a lost love or a lost friend, he couldn't decide.

**—**

**The entirety of last night had seemed to come straight out of Ray's worst nightmares, but at this point, he had come to expect it.**

**It had torn him apart to watch Kai's arms wrap around that giggling woman's shapely waist, and one of the bigger reasons why it had hurt so much was because he couldn't deny they looked perfect together. When they had walked side by side, they had walked with the confident airs of lions prowling their territory. When they had danced together, they had fallen into complicated movements with all the graces of people who knew how to carry themselves with elegance while swaying right in time with the music.**

**When they gazed at each other, Kai seemed perfectly at ease, confident. **

**Unashamed.**

**"****That your man?" A gruff voice next to him had questioned. **

**Without thinking, Ray had thrown back his remaining whiskey and scoffed. **

**"****Would you believe me if I said yes?" **

**"****Not judging by where all of his attention has been tonight, I won't." A gruff hand had presented itself to him and he had turned to spot an older man with dirty blonde hair and a nice and easy smile.**

**"****Time to show him what he's missing out on, won't you say?" **

**He shouldn't have taken his hand, he knew but he wanted to show Kai. Exactly what, he couldn't remember come morning. All he could remember was his boyfriend's devastated expression the night before. Did Kai really not understand how he had felt all this time? Was this what they had come to? Would they ever be able to close this divide at all? **

**Did he even have the energy to wait for it and watch it heal now? **

**Stirring the spoon inside the cup and watching the Russian sip at his own coffee in uncomfortable silence was all he could do right now, but then again that was all they did every morning as it was. **

**Ray was caught off guard however when Kai looked up to face him. **

**If he had looked miserable last night, he presently looked like Satan himself stood to breathe down his neck. Apparently, it had finally crashed on him what a mess their relationship had become. His chest heaved and his eyes demanded comfort from the neko-jin, suddenly scared of seemingly nothing. **

**Well, Ray had been struggling with that fear for the past one year now. It won't hurt for him to taste a little of it.**

**… ****was what he told himself, but how could he calm his heart when the love of his life was so obviously in need of his help?**

**"****Come here, Kai."**

**Wary, the Russian approached him. It hurt Ray's heart to see how they both seemed prepared for further damage at the hands of each other, now. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. This wasn't the future naive, little, 17 years old Ray Kon had imagined for them when he stood there looking in at the display of rings he couldn't ever afford, making up scenarios from their perfect wedding to come.**

**Kai melted against him as soon as his arms came around his shoulders and he smiled a little at the familiar feeling of the Russian being in close proximity. He had missed this, missed them. **

**"****I really don't care." Kai's usually deep and authoritative voice was small and unsure. Ray's arms tightened around him. **

**"****I don't care if you danced with him. I understand it was my punishment." His shoulders shook, it seemed like he had lost weight since the last time Ray held him like this. "I… I understand, so can we please just… forget about every thing now?" **

**Kai's voice wobbled and Ray's own tears were rolling silently down his cheeks.**

**"****Can we please start working on this relationship, Ray?" He could feel Kai's sobs against his own chest, and if anything they made his resolve stronger. This needed to stop. **

**Pressing a kiss against Kai's hair, and then on his ear lobe, he remained silent. Nothing he could say would help Kai for now.**

**"****We'll be okay, Ray?" **

**He never answered him. **

**—**

Ray's fingers shook and Mariah's hand tightened on his shoulder.

"You can do this.", she whispered.

Hitting the green call icon, Ray placed the phone to his ear, the dial tone jarring his senses and almost making him fling the device away. What was making him nervous, he didn't know. He knew Kai still loved him, after all. Always had.

He smiled a little.

The call was received on the first ring and stunned silence greeted him.

"Kai?"

A shaky but audible exhale followed, and then Ray heard something that made tears spring to his eyes and flow shamelessly down his cheeks again, like the first morning Kai had confessed his love to him.

"Hey, kitten."

Mariah squeezed his shoulder once and with a small smile, left the room.

"How have you been?"

'_Hope you didn't hurt too much all these years.'_

"I am fine. You?"

_'__Without you? Incomplete.'_

"I got by, but I can't anymore."

_'__I can't keep pretending like it isn't killing me inside.'_

"Did something happen?"

_'__Please, please say what I couldn't ever dare hope I'd hear you say.' _

"I came to my senses."

_'__I love you, Kai.'_

"We have a lot to talk about."

_'__Are you sure I deserve it?' _

"Come with me, then. I am leaving to tour the world. I always wanted to do it and I figured I need it right now. So, come with me and we can talk."

_'__There's nobody I could ever be happier with.' _

"Don't you have a job?" A strangled sob came from the other end and Ray purred into the phone, to comfort the love of his life sitting miles away from him just then.

_'__This is your last chance to back off.'_

"No, I don't because I have my own fucking restaurant that I can open and close as I see fit. So then, are you coming or not?!"

_'__I won't let you back off.'_

"Where do you need me?"

Pausing to stop himself from bursting out weeping, Ray took a deep breath and whispered into the phone:

"As close to me as you possibly can be."

He could imagine Kai's face just then but for the sake of his sanity, tried not to.

"I will be on my way," a few clicks of keys on a keyboard. "Tonight at 11. Come see you at your village, right?"

"How did you know?"

"That bastard's been cheating and is still alive so I figured it was safe to bet you weren't in the country."

Ray chuckled a little. "Just so you know, I am not calling you because he cheated. He cheated because he knew I was going to end up calling you."

A gruff snort followed, a gesture so, so Kai that it made the tears come flooding back.

"I'll have him know I am planning on letting you slip past me again this time."

That forced a full belly laugh out of the neko-jin, a laugh tinged with relief and love, joy and grief, and most importantly this particular feeling of weight finally being lifted off of his shoulders.

"I think we'll be okay, Kai."

The question had finally been answered.

**—**

**Listen, listen, listen I know this doesn't even stand to compare with chapter one but this chapter has given me too much grief especially since I never planned on putting them back together so I had to work around a pretty bad set of circumstances I had created specifically to make reconciliation impossible. Cut a girl some slack, will ya?**

**Read and review. **


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